Rejection

Since moving back to the States, I've struggled with getting into any sort of... groove? I miss the rhythm of the busy week, the constant company of my time in Taiwan. Being year two, I've been able to evaluate some of the things I'm missing and set some goals to get more... involved? (See, the problem is I don't really need MORE things to do, I just need people with whom to do the things I already have to do.) But anyhow, I had heard a choir sing last year, the Ames Chamber Artists, and decided I would audition and commit to that group. They met every Thursday evening, did a number of performances throughout the year, and it would be a commitment, but one well worth it. I enjoy singing. I enjoy being around people. Voila!

I was contacted by a woman giving me the email of the choir's director, a man I had met at the choir's Christmas performance last winter. I scheduled an audition time, picked a hymn (okay, narrowed it down to two hymns - couldn't decide) as my solo, and drove to the Iowa State University music building.

There I found a line up outside of his office. The existing choir members also had to reaudition each year... and you could hear everything through the door. I was mortified. I was out of singing shape. I stunk at sight reading. And anyone standing outside the door was going to hear me in all my embarrassing glory... or lack there of.

*Gulp*

When my turn came, most people had already (mercifully) finished their auditions and left the hallway. There was one other new member waiting. A man who told me about his past choral experiences and about how getting back into it was just like riding a bike again after many years - no problem! I gave a nervous, weak laugh and dove into the office.

In situations like this, I'm discovering more and more how my mouth has no censor. I tend to say all the worst things about myself that I can. Thinking about it, I think I don't want anyone to have "false hope" or the "wrong idea" in a good way about me. I want them to know I'm terrible and... well... that usually doesn't fly in things like auditions or interviews. Good grief! (Note: Looking back on a couple of times I've done this very openly... when it's turned out that I haven't made it, it really worked out for the best - i.e. that crazy church/school job description in IL... and this choir audition. And if it's something that may have been good, I still got through the interview somehow - i.e. Immanuel Olivette.)

So in this audition, first of all, I talk OVER this top notch director. If we both started saying something, I was persistent in finishing my thing, where in uh, real life, I would usually let the other person say his part and then say mine if still applicable. But nope. I forged on ahead spouting out facts like I did indeed sing in A Cappella, but it took me THREE auditions to make it. I also stink at sight reading. We worked and worked and worked on it. Oh, and please don't tell Dr. von Kampen because he would be disappointed if he knew I was in choir for three years and 7 years later can't sight read... I was mortified at my lack of ability and at my wild mouth. And at my flusteredness. And it was a vicious cycle for about 12 terrible minutes. There were some good parts, however. Even though I couldn't keep my voice steady because I was trembling so much, he did instruct me to sing the notes more connected rather than separated and I was able to follow his instruction. I thought that said loud and clear, "Okay, I'm nowhere near a polished gem yet, but I'm willing and able to be taught and respond well!" Oh well. After trying to identify a key, a note, practice matching tone patterns, and sight read a line of music, he said, "That will be enough. It was nice meeting you and hearing your audition, but if you don't make it it's because of the sight reading and because you were a bit pitchy at times." (As in, waving in pitch, I believe.)

I was devastated. I was so embarassed, I just kind of ran out of the room, forgetting my purse. I had to dive back in to retrieve it and couldn't make eye contact with that kind, yet higher-expectation-holding-than-I-could-meet-at-this-point director. The new guy sitting in the hall gave me kind of a sorry smile. I ran out of the building, jumped into my car, and cried. So I called my mom. Thank You, Lord, for my mom and the ability to call her with these things. She always asks good questions and gives helpful understanding/advice.

As I thought about it, however, I realized that I didn't even want to be in a group like that right now. Good grief. Do you know how hard I'd have to work at that music? It would be demanding, and I know it would be wonderful and rewarding, but it suddenly dawned on me that I may not be willing to make that sort of time commitment at this time. Plus, on the audition sheet I had seen for the first time that there was a $75. membership fee. Good grief! I was working on a new budget for the year and didn't want to be spending that.

Plus, if I had made it, I would have had to break the news to my Thursday night Bible study group... and the closer back I got to that group, the less sure I was that I would be okay with missing out on that.

The following Thursday evening, catching the end of Bible study after our school registration, proved that I was NOT ready to give it up. There was my support group. People I could share with, people who checked up on me, people who asked how I was and wanted to listen. People who prayed for me. I started hoping desperately that I would not actually be ACCEPTED into the choir because then what would I do?!

I got the email a few days later and was relieved to read that I had indeed been rejected.

Now, that story is just the background for the thought I had in church today. Audition. Acceptance. Rejection. The world often provides these opportunities in various forms. But you know what, God doesn't. As far as the most important thing of all - salvation - God doesn't order auditions... as David writes, if You, Lord, kept a record of sin, O Lord, who could stand. But with you there is forgiveness. Therefore you are feared. (Psalm 130) Through Jesus Christ, our perfect performer who sang flawlessly, we are all invited to become choir members. Oh, the stress and anguish of auditioning. Oh, the fear of rejection. Yet with God there is salvation given freely to all through His one and only Son, Jesus Christ our Lord!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!